Explaining the death of a loved one to children...

Grieving the loss of a loved one, whether it’s a human being or a loved furry friend, is a challenging time for anyone. As adults we’re trying to come to terms with the loss ourselves, and trying to find the words to explain it to a child is, for most of us, a huge challenge.

I remember being faced with this challenge as a young 19-year-old mother. The trauma of losing a child is something you never forget, and in those first few days and weeks I felt like I was living a surreal nightmare, and that surely, I’d wake up soon and be holding my baby daughter Lee in my arms again.

In the midst of this nightmare, you still get up, get dressed, brush your teeth, and all the other stuff we do without thinking. I remember feeling a kind of numbness, running on auto pilot much of the time.

We had another child, Daifydd, and in his own way he helped us navigate this traumatic period of our lives. This was my first experience of death, in fact it was my families first experience, and when it came to explaining to our two-year-old, where his baby sister had gone, I had no frame of reference.

I remember Daifydd asking “Where’s Lee?” She was five weeks and four days old when she died of ‘cot death’, and for those few weeks she was as big a part of his little life as she was of mine.

I don’t really remember talking about what we’d say to Daifydd, but I do remember thinking, in the moment that he asked the inevitable question, he needs something he understands, and I simply said “Lee’s all gone...”

Today, there are wonderful books available to help us navigate these challenging times, not only explaining the loss of a loved one to a child, but also helping us explain the journey in the lead up to their passing.

I was recently asked if we had any books that could help explain death to a child, to which I had to reply no, not right now, but I’ll look for some.

I found some wonderful resources that can help us as family/whanau navigate these times with our children/tamariki. Some have arrived and more are on the way, and I hope you’ll find one that resonates with you.

There are a couple of amazing Aotearoa New Zealand authors, Linda Tuhiwai Smith and Brianne Te Paa, who’s books arrived this week. There are two versions of each, one in te reo Māori and one in English. I’ve read each of the English versions, and they are incredibly touching and powerful.

Two other books arrived recently from overseas, but rather than wait for the other titles to arrive, we’ve decided to make these available now. You’ll find the English versions in the Angel Grotto and the te reo Māori versions in the Aotearoa area by the office.

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